The Pose Begins when you want to Leave it

This may seem like a message regarding physical discomfort, but it’s a reminder that enduring any discomfort—physical or emotional—gives us a greater ability to endure future discomfort. The truth is, that real life has many moments of discomfort that require our presence and attention. We can’t always leave discomfort. We need to remember to practice staying with discomfort, on and off the mat.

In yoga asana, the pose begins when you want to leave it. It’s when we can notice that resistance (and sometimes muscle screaming discomfort), take an inhale, and then exhale more deeply into the pose that the real transformational work happens. I believe the same can be said for life, relationships, career, and in general our overall personal and spiritual growth.

Can we notice the moment where we tense up and want to flee? Take a breath, and then lean in or get even more present. Can we have the difficult conversations regardless of what we think the outcome will be? That’s where the real self-work is.

I’m always pushing my clients to put their emotions into words and to speak their truth. I myself battle internally with being someone who likes to think a little too much about what I want to say before I say it. I’m an over-analyzer, and sometimes I can analyze my way out of speaking up altogether. I do, however, like to own what’s mine before talking to someone about a conflict or a hurt feeling. I do believe that if you are very worked up it’s ok to not speak in that moment. Especially, if you know you have a tendency to say things you’ll regret, or to get intensely angry, or to lash out to hurt the other person.

Even in the moments of discomfort notice what is going on with your body. Feel the tightness in your stomach, the burning in your chest, the lump in your throat. I challenge you then to try and name it physiologically first. Eventually, the emotional match will come. If you are new at recognizing and verbalizing emotions, simply naming the physical feeling might be the first step for you, and that’s ok, start where you’re at. If I’m feeling particularly worked up I close my eyes, place my hand on the part of my body where I can feel the sensation and name it.

When we grow up experiencing it being unsafe for us to say to someone, “what you said really hurt my feelings,” or “it makes me feel like this when you say or do that,” we learn to internalize the messages and possibly shelve them entirely for survival. We learn not to rock the boat. That a rocking boat is far worse than just swallowing our truth.

A rocking boat can look like many things based on your family or relationship history: anger, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, silent treatment. It can be one or a combination of these, it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that because we are naturally sensitive and loving creatures who need connection to survive, we hate to feel the effects of these strategies. So, rather than stand firm, speak our truth, and allow the other person to sit in their own unhealthy responses, we take and shoulder their discomfort. A part of us might believe we deserved the attack, that it’s our fault, or that it’s our responsibility to keep the other person happy and calm. None of those beliefs are true.

This is where the practice to grow comes in to play. The practice to stop doing what’s comfortable and speak up, regardless of the risk. If we rock the boat and it tips over, then the boat was unworthy of taking a journey in from the beginning and would have tipped over eventually anyway. This practice begins entirely with awareness.